I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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