I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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