I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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