This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
