i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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