guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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