I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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