i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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