Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
