I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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