Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
