i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
