Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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