if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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