the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
