someone get that fucking seahorse.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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