my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
