Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Vodka?
Forever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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