I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
