will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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