So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
