I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
