the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
