Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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