are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
this is an emotional support booty call
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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