I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
