Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i barfeds in our rink
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
