When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
