Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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