Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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