I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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