Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
