eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
