I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
