When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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