Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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