I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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