Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
