can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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