Where did you get a picture of my penis
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
