i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
