I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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