I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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