There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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