I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
