i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
