She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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