I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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