I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
