Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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