i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
