I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Houston, we have a squirter
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
