I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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