It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
