You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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