You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize