i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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