Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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