Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
