His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
